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I can't resist touching her. Please don,t judge me.

Stella1976

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Ok this is going to be a long post.Please try not to judge me too much as this forum is supposed to be accepting and non-judgemental. I am a 53year old red haired freckled face green eyes thin lips 5ft2 tall skinny masculine single soft butch lesbian woman. People call me ugly alot of the times, and also make jokes about my looks. Ever since I was 14 people always call me names. Since childhood I have suffered taunts about being ugly,ginger,short and masculine. I suffered the worst bullying in high school, It was torture..

I have a satin and silk fetish. It's something you get as a child, I don't know how. It's not a condition but it's also not a choice, so I have to live and die with it. I just can’t resist touching and stroking satin fabric because It's just so soft and smooth to touch when rubbing.

Two months ago i joined this all-female group with a specific focus. Three times a week after work I attend this group meetings that focuses on developing self-awareness, self-confidence and self-efficacy for women to improve their professional and personal lives. The meetings are held at the community center. One woman group attendee is is a 42year old 5ft10 tall heterosexual curvy hourgllass shaped attractive brunette. She has very large (huge) breasts and she does have a big butt. She has has very olive skin. Most of her outfit are satin pant and skirt suits satin coats and satin and silk blouses. She is always on high heels and full make up on. She is curvy, tall and busty, so many clothes tend to look sexier on her than on a thin person. She wears almost always her satin and silk blouses fully buttoned to the top combined with a satin skirt or satin pants. She doesn't wear anything vulgar but because of her body type anything she wears looks tight on her. She is 5ft10 tall and and being well endowed well built and curvy always on high heels makes her HUGE! Standing next to me she looks like a giant. She is married for 16 years and she has a 14 year old daughter. She is very serious, arrogant, and stuck up. Most of other women group attendees seem to think she is a stuck up overdressed snob. When she speaks with other women , she tends to be overly nice and I guess that comes off as fake which definitely doesn't help the situation.

After my third meeting i couldn't resist and i started rubbing her back with with my both hands while she was standing as i was standing behind her. I said to her "Your back is so sore"((that was just an excuse to touch her since she is always dressed in satin and silk clothes). She said that community center is on her work to home route and that she attends our group meetings straight from work and that she is always exhausted. On the next group meeting i sat on the chair behind her and began rubbing her back. Then i began furthering my reach and casually brushed across her rib cage/side boob. Then i did it again and left my hand there and leaned in to whisper something. I kept rubbing her back then leaned in and stopped at the same spot and said something else to her. And that happened a few times.I began fully brushing the sides of her massive breasts.While i was standing talking my hands were resting on her shoulders.My hands were practically constantly on her during the meeting. .

After the meeting she was very flustered as we were leaving on the parking lot she pulled me aside and she said to me gently “I’m sorry, I have a thing with personal space.”She explained to me that it is making her uncomfortable that she understand that i am friendly and tactile but she feels a little uncomfortable when i touch her. She said that she is straight and that she never had any desire to do anything sexual with a female and that just thinking about possibly kissing a female makes her cringe. I said to her that she is mis-reading the creep factor. I LIED to her that i am an amateur healing touch therapist. I even suggested to her body/energy work. She AGREED. .

Since then i "work" on freeing up energy in her body which is sort of like a very gentle massage while she is standing, usually after the meetings.This has now turned into a regular thing. Also during the meetings i always sit behind her and rub her shoulders and back. I manipulated this woman. She is standing stiff as a board while i am "freeing energy in her body". I have full access to her body. My face is exactly the level of her breasts. I place my hands on her massive soft breasts and move them in a circular motion while i am facing her. Standing next to me she looks like a giant. She dresses in mainly form fitting satin and silk fashionable clothing. She is always on high heels and full make up on. Often when my hands are rubbing her through her satin and silk clothes i get groinal responses..I'm worried that I'm taking advantage of this woman. I didn't think much of it at first. She is objectively very attractive, much hotter than any woman I've ever slept with.

This touchable woman is convinced that i am helping her. She says that touch has incredible healing power. She thinks that my touch is not sexual at all. I keep asking why me. Why I have to be such a pervert? Now I'm convinced I'm a perv and a sexual freak. Why am I like this? Why? I am definitely post menopasual. I lost all drive when I was 49 and menopause was beginning four years ago. Had all the usual symtpoms: hot flashes, memory issues, moods, dry as a bone, no libido, periods becoming sporatic. My sex drive over the last two years has been on a steady rise. But now, all I can do is think about getting laid. I have this urge which grabs me without any notice or outside stimulation. I am thinking about sex with this touchable woman all the time. Though alone, I still have lots of very satisfying sex -- just not with partners. I have to keep telling myself I'm not hurting anyone and aside from the fact that it's a bit of a time waster -- it's not hurting me either. There are worse things I could be doing with my time.

With this touchable always dressed in silk and satin woman is about lust, not love. It is pure physical attraction, not emotional. I am touching her, rubbing her "freeing energy in her body" for my sexual pleasure. I feel like I am abusing this woman by using her in this way. Still I feel like a monster for something that I can't stop doing. ( I can't keep my hands off of her). I don’t know what to do. It is all my fault. I want to stop this. But i just can't.She is so radiant and tall and big and soft. Am I creepy? (yeah I guess so)I am basically looking if someone could help me to cope with this situation… I just don’t know what to do.

I am tiny short skinny 53year old masculine woman.I am not tough and strong. I am not intimidating.I am physically completely harmless.This touchable woman is physically stronger than me. She is always on high heels i am always in flat shoes. As i said standing next to me she looks like a giant. And I feel so guilty. I am aroused by rubbing her. I hate that i have grown accustomed to it. What is wrong with me? I am too sexually attracted to her. I just can't help myself because this is the way that I am, this is how my body react to her and her shiny clothes.She is extremely fashionable, elegant, glamorous, and classy. Please don’t be grossed out. I feel so guilty but i just can't stop touching this woman. I know this sounds strange and maybe even a bit sick to some. I am ugly. I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I will take long drives and just think about how sad my life is, how lonely I have become, the things I regret, and what I could have done differently. I do this a few times a week, drive and cry. It makes me feel better momentarily.

I haven't been happy in years, I don't see any signs of it getting any better. I see most people getting excited for the weekend, but for me, I get depressed. I have no girlfriend. I have no one. I have friends, and I have had girlfriends and a long term (13 years) relationship, but only because people tend to like me when they get to know me. I've never received compliments on my looks. It's like my whole life is a struggle because of this. I never feel great or like a winner. I keep no pictures of myself. Sometimes I'll take some with my laptop's webcam or my cellphone, and when I look at them it's really painful. I've taken pictures from every angle and every single one of them looks terrible.

And the problem is that I can't stand to be in any type of relationship anymore because of that. I'm 53 now and the last time I went on a date was 2 years ago. Some lesbian women I've known for a while seem attracted to me, flirt or invite me to activities, but I remember how they looked at me the first time they saw me, and it just kills it for me. Maybe I'm vain and shallow.
 
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